WASHINGTON U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge acknowledged Tuesday that “sloppiness” in the recruitment of airport passenger screeners resulted in the hiring of several undesirable security personnel.
Reports in the Washington Post last week suggested that dozens of screeners at JFK in New York, Los Angeles International Airport, and other major airports had been hired despite having criminal records, or without complete background checks.
Just one sample of creepy new security officers
“We’ve had some questions with regard to the performance of…certain individuals,” said Ridge during a press briefing on Wednesday. “Certainly there are a few people, among the thousands we checked, who may have slipped through the net.”
Questions regarding recent hirings arose last week at New York’s JFK airport, when a young woman complained to airport management about a screener she claimed was “making lewd remarks and demands” as she tried to pass through the security checkpoint.
“He told me that I had to lie down and slide through the baggage X-ray machine,” said the woman. “I said, ‘What is this? I’m not doing that!’ Then he said, ‘That depends on what you mean by “is”.’ He kept pushing my head into the machine and told me he had to see if my ‘infrastructure posed a threat to national security.’ I complained to some men that were standing around, wearing these stupid Ray-Bans, but they wouldn’t look at me. I refused to be X-rayed, and ended up missing my flight. Then the guy had the nerve to offer to drive me to Chicago in his limo! Said he wanted to give me a cigar and ‘get jiggy’ with me. Who do these people think they are?”
Further investigation confirmed that a former U.S. President had “cashed in a few markers” and gotten the screeners job at JFK. “He was just working part-time, so I don’t think any real damage was done,” said an airport director. “He told me he did not have sexual relations with that woman. However, as a precaution we’ve relocated him to the food court area.”
Other, more acute breaches in background checks have resulted in the hiring of several embarrassing and potentially dangerous personnel.
According to a senior FAA official, former Gambino mafia underboss and convicted murderer Sammy “The Bull” Gravano had been observed “shaking down passengers that were pulled out of line for random security checks,” at LaGuardia International Airport. “He was telling them they had to pay a boarding surcharge, either with cash or personal effects, such as watches, jewelry, credit cards and so forth. We can’t confirm anything, as the passengers are frightened and refuse to answer our questions.”
Other reported hiring slip-ups include Sean “Puffy” Combs (aka ‘Puff Daddy) at Chicago-O’Hare International, O.J. Simpson and Manuel Noriega at Miami International, and Geraldo Rivera in Los Angeles. All were placed through private agencies, who stated that all applicants had “impressive employment histories”.
Secretary Ridge conceded that baggage-screening has been a priority for the Homeland Security Department.
“We focused on baggage, we focused on passengers, and we neglected to remain focused on personnel. Fortunately, these are just random cases, and we don’t expect any more nefarious criminals or deposed despots, or their look-alikes, to surface. ”
Ridge closed his press briefing by acknowledging that his department had a “deficiency”, and that it is a very high priority. It should be noted that Jayson Blair was not seen at the briefing.
