North Korean officials released a statement early today claiming that recently activated nuclear facilities pose no threat to the United States or any nearby nation.
This book was cited as a defense exhibit in favor of the flavor of a nuclear BBQ.
The 12-page declaration admitted Korea's nuclear capabilities and recent scientific breakthroughs, but disclosed intentions that took U.S. intelligence officials by surprise. Page two of the document indicates that the nuclear facilities are being utilized strictly for "the preparation of a large-scale Korean barbecue party."
The declaration elaborates by saying nuclear fission is "the most efficient method to stew, simmer, braise, broil, steam, grill, and fry the various dishes necessary for a successful feast."
Realizing his erroneous accusations, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld apologized to North Korea for his aggressive stance.
"I sincerely apologize for my bellicose comments toward (North Korea)," he said. "The whole Osama thing and the war in Iraq has me a little jumpy. I haven't slept well in weeks."
Many Korean neighborhoods already enjoy large BBQ's, the nuclear capacity would only be an extension of this.
North Korean president Kim Jong Il expressed his frustration with the United States and revealed the occasion for such a large party.
"The United States intelligence departments are paranoid," he said through a translator. "This was going to be a surprise party for South Korea. It has been a long time since peace existed between us. We wanted to tell them that we have no hard feelings."
CIA director George Tenet has begun an investigation into the matter in order to pinpoint the intelligence gaps. His current theory regarding the error revolves around the interpretation of spy photos. While his faith in satellite reconnaissance photos remains steadfast, he admitted that operators and translators must be well versed in language and culture to decipher the pictures. CIA analysts apparently mistook an array of barbecue pits as ICBM portholes.
North Korean Defense Minister Kim Lum Ging voiced his disappointment with the United States by saying, "This is an unforgivable mistake. There's no way you guys are invited now."
