A steady stream of rugrats means full bellies for everybody, including the family dog. ABOVE: It won't be long before this brother & sister can procreate another meal for themselves.
(Wheeling, WV) Bill Jones is a laid-off employee of Garbin United Coal Co. in Tupokipsee, West Virginia. He, his wife and their fourteen children live in a one-room shack typical of the backwoods region known as Appalachia. He is a hard worker, but as the economy goes sour, he's found himself with the thousands of people let go from companies totally unrelated to Enron and other irresponsible corporate disaster stories.
Bill, his wife/first cousin and their thirteen children often go hungry, as well as without shoes and baths. Bill’s wife, Rachel, has what she calls a “full-time kid-raisin’ job” and is subsisting on the $100 Bill made last month when he sold his left kidney.
Refusing to go to the government for help, Bill and Rachel reached the decision to start eating the dumbest of their kids until their financial woes turn around. It was a hard decision to make.
“We’re both Christian fundamentalists, and nowhere in Leviticus does it mention, ‘and when you are starving, clean then and eat the dumbest of your sons.’ We've looked, but it’s just not there.”
The couple sought spritual quidance from their pastor, Rev. Jim K. McGuillocuddytonburg III, who reassured them that fundamentalist Baptists approve of cannibalism, provided it's within the immediate family.
We interviewed Rev. McGuillocuddytonburg, in his Everybody But Us Is Goin' to Hell Church, in order to clarify it's position on this controversial issue.
This tasty morsel might make a fine rump-roast, but save the older ones for poppin' out more little meat loafs.
“Yup, eatin' kids takes a bit o' gettin' used to,” he said, curiously picking his teeth, “but you have to understand that these people are simple folk, and they don’t have time to go to wait on Washington to get things fixed up. They need food right now. Jesus offered his own flesh and blood to his disciples, so it's pretty clear gobblin' up your own youngun's is the Christian thing to do. Danged tasty, too."
The Reverend scoffed at the suggestion that it was immoral to eat your own offspring.
"Shoot, it's ain't like they're goin 'round eatin' strangers," he said. "We keep it real simple: Don't eat nobody you wouldn't have sex with someday. That keeps it right in the immediate family. Just don't go eatin' any daughers older than 14...keepin' two or three of 'em pregnant will keep food on the table for years."
