PARIS -- In an unexpected attack, elderly German tourists took over the Paris without resistance early Monday morning, armed with travel toothbrushes and a massive arsenol of deodorant sticks. Despite unprecedented cooperation the two governments recently, cultural, political and body odor differences could no longer be tolerated withing the European Union.
France has a proud tradition of combatting foreign aggression. ABOVE: Military personnel deploy France's most effective defensive weapon.
Schroder enlisted several German tourist companies with vacationers already in the enemy capital, and ordered them to "secure the city by all means possible". Germany is the first country to use biological deodorants in warfare.
The invasion lasted aproximately twenty-five minutes, and began when Mr. and Mrs. Helmut VonStrankenschmitter walked from their hotel to the the French Parliament, which was guarded by two sleeping policemen.
"Helmut tapped each guard on the shoulder," said Mrs. VonStrankenschmitt, "and they instinctively surrendered immediately. They handed their pistols to Helmut and went back to sleep. We took their keys, entered the building and took up positions sat at the main desk. Shortly after that several more police arrived, and they threw down their guns and berets, then walked over to the Seine for a cigarette."
Not all phases of the invasion went as smoothly. A company of twenty German retirees marched on the French 1st Army Headquarters to demand the surrender of the entire garrison. The operation was delayed when they discovered the Metro was out shut down for repairs. After comandeering several taxis, the retirees surrounded both headquarters sentries and demanding their surrender. Resistance was quelled when Mrs. Barbara Braun threw her purse as another woman grabbed the sentry's rifles. With their weapons in German hands, one gaurd wet himsef as the other surrendered on behalf of the 4,500 other soldiers behind the walls.
Members of Germany's invasion force posing in front of an urban assault vehicle.
French officials, facing the prospect of forced personal hygiene, surrended in droves to advancing Teutonic sightseers. German tourists expressed difficulty in handling so many French prisoners, and released most of the least offensive-smelling ones into the countryside, in the hope they would "freshen up somewhere and maybe buy some mouthwash". Experts agree this tactic may prove ineffective, as the freed Frenchmen have an 85% probability of re-surrendering, and generally smell like over-baked brie.
