"I am SO over the missionary position!" Parents beware: your teenage daughters are NOT practicing for the Olympics, so stop telling everyone to "come see what my little Nicole can do."
According to research conducted nationwide, conventional teen coitus is on the downturn. Not in favor of abstinence, but in favor of more exhausting, athletic and often dangerous positions.
"The results are alarming," reported Ross Freiburg, staff researcher. "Doggy style and sixty-nine don't even have a good showing anymore. These days the kids are all about rodeo style, zoo style, 400-yard relay and the kanji position, which is based on elaborate characters from the Japanese written language."
Independent research has found that many types of now-common teen sex go beyond traditional definitions of nasty or deviant and into the realm of what researchers are calling, "hard to categorize".
"What do you call it when three girls stick their tongues out while a young stud thrashes them back and forth with his balls while his penis is taped sideways to his belly? Is that even sex?" Asks Reverend Perry, head of independent research. "We're pretty sure it is."
This is the fifth time this study has been attempted. All previous attempts have been shut down when researchers have become conspicuously wealthy from their sale of "research" photographs and videos on the internet. Possession of said content violates child pornography laws on the federal level as well as decency and sodomy laws, even in states that don't have such laws.
"I told my parents it was a Thighmaster XR-7 fitness swing, and they believed it. My mom says she's been exercising every afternoon...what a dope!"
"We didn't even know what some of this stuff was," explains Dr. Freiburg, "I mean, we know teabagging has to do with a ball-sack placed somewhere around the face or mouth, but the birdbath? We didn't know what it was. Apparently, it's when the recipient takes not only the penis and testicles into the mouth, but also a good portion of the male ass, containing him much in the way one would look if he sat in a birdbath."
Further researchers asked that we refrain from both "staff researcher" puns, as well as "head researcher" puns.
Moral and sexual health aside, experts are concerned for the physical well being of the participants who risk their lives much like high-wire performers, ultimate fighters and Jehovah's Witnesses knocking door to door in Harlem.
"You remember that scene in Ghostbusters when they had to cross the streams of their proton blaster to beat the giant marshmallow guy? Picture a big marshmallow girl, and skinnier little guys combining
their metaphorical streams... that's all I can say about that, but trust me, even the ugly kids are getting into it."
