BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — Kellogg Co., the world's largest producer of breakfast foods, acknowledged Thursday its 'Assasination Pop-Tarts®' toaster pastries have been sold overseas as high-tech weaponry since 1990.
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In a startling revelation, Chairman and CEO Carlos Gutierrez told reporters the Battle Creek, Michigan-based group was "sorry" to have misled American consumers and offered compensation to two families whose homes burned after Pop-Tarts in their toasters caught fire, in the form of a year's supply of breakfast snacks and an expense-paid weekend in Battle Creek.
The two families had threatened to sue Kellogg for selling them a defective product. Kellogg had previously promised a "vigorous defense," and lawyers said they'd show the families had just bought "cheap-shit toasters." But Gutierrez backed off from that stance at his press conference.
"From all of us at the Kellogg's family, I want to say to those two families that we're sorry, and we'll make it up to you. But this is perhaps the best opportunity for us to come clean and tell the American public and our investors what Pop-Tarts are really about," Gutierrez said.
The executive detailed over 10 years of Kellogg strategy to improve margins by lacing its toaster pastries with various explosives and poisons and selling them to intelligence agencies and arms dealers overseas. Now
Pop-Tarts have become the weapon of choice for three out of four foreign assassins and terrorists, he noted.
"Think about it like this. Abdul Terrorist sits down to breakfast. He's got his newspaper, his tall glass of OJ. Doesn't eat bacon, so he sticks a high-explosive Assasination Pop-Tart® in the toaster, courtesy of the Mossad, and, snap, crackle, BOOM!" Gutierrez said. "Fast, effective, and I think you'll agree it has done wonders for shareholder value while allowing us to keep U.S. cereal prices low."
In addition to its "High Explosive" Pop-Tarts, Kellogg sells "Heavy Shrapnel" and "Arsenic and Nerve Gas" pastries, to customers mostly in the Middle East, Northern Africa and Asia. It sees great market potential in the European Union and hopes U.S. authorities will loosen controls to allow for sales in the U.S.
(Above) Time-lapse photography of "Nutty Napalm"....just one of six delicious flavors that Muhammed will love!
"We also offer 'S'mores®' Pop-Tarts overseas. Those kill you the old-fashioned way – by clogging your arteries," Gutierrez noted.
He said the company has done nothing illegal and the toaster fires in the U.S. were the result of mishipped products. The families were never in any real danger, he noted.
"I want to emphasize that we're not in the killing business. Assasination Pop-Tarts® don't kill people. People kill people. We also didn't violate any U.S. arms laws, because we only inserted timing devices, fuses and activator chemicals when the products reached overseas markets. As such, while we feel badly for the two U.S. families, it's not like their homes blew up and turned their loved ones into Post Toasties," Gutierrez said. "What they experienced was plain-ol' Pop-Tarts catching fire. The frosted ones are pretty flammable."
