COLUMBUS, OH--Victor Shultz, 17, a student at Daley High School in Columbus, OH, says he may have to visit the doctor as a result of an ugly hazing incident he endured at the hands of the Daley High Chess Club. According to the freshman, he went to the "initiation" thinking the experience would be harmless and maybe even fun, but left hours later with a rather unique problem.
"I can't get this rook out of my ass," said a distressed Shultz. "I've tried everything. I'm really uncomfortable"
The rook was inserted in his anus during a bizarre and brutal hazing ritual performed by the other members of the chess club.
Shitting pawns is better than shitting bricks.
"I think they drugged me or something. I'm not sure. I was totally out of it. I remember drinking a lot. Next thing I know, they're holding me down pulling my pants off."
According to Shultz, the hazing started innocently enough, with the other members forcing Shultz to make a series of prank calls to teachers of Daley High School. That was followed by a drill on chess strategy, in which Shultz was given two minutes to accurately describe each strategy called out by the other members. Then, as Shultz says, "things started to get a little weird."
What followed was a cringe inducing two hour session of pain and humiliation that left Shultz with half the white pieces embedded in his rear.
"I've been shitting pawns all week," says a frustrated Shultz. "I'm going to have to go to the doctor now. Talk about embarrassing. What am I supposed to say to him? 'Hey doc, can you pull this chess piece out of my ass?' Actually, that's exactly what I'm going to have to say to him. Damn"
Needless to say, Shultz will not be joining the chess club and will never look at the rest of the members the same again.
"Talk about a shock. Who knew a bunch of chess playing nerds could be so cruel and twisted? I mean, I've heard of homoerotic hazing rituals before, but I wasn't expecting it from the chess club. Christ, if I wanted to have something shoved up my ass, I would've tried out for the football team."
