A film so inherently mediocre, even the marquee feels the need to add otherwise unnecessary quotation marks.
OLYMPIA, Wa. – Young filmmaker Mark Ziweski recently started production of what he hopes will be yet another piece of pretentious schlock that nobody really cares about.
"It should be quite bad," said the beret-wearing Ziweski, stirring some powdered cream into his Fair Trade coffee. "I will bring the people nothing less than the most uninspired thirty minutes ever caught on low quality camera."
Ziweski, who graduated from The Evergreen State College in June of 2007, has been careful not to disclose any major details about the film, but assures the public that it will have its requisite share of white noise, arbitrary color splotches, broken dialogue, and close-up shots of long drags on cigarettes.
The film, whose title is too cliché to mention, is set to debut statewide in so-called "art theatres" late this summer. The theatres, which will eventually close and become community churches, hope Ziweski will outdo himself and produce something that is at least bearable. Ziweski, however, is not interested in pandering.
"If people want to make up reasons to like this trash I’m producing, then I guess I can’t stop them," conceded Ziweski. "But what I’m aiming for is a film that sucks by any standard you throw at it."
Ziweski held a makeshift fundraiser at his apartment earlier this year and was happy to see that it was poorly attended. "I have the blessings of my closest friends, and they have all been very supportive of the project," said Ziweski. "My only hope is that behind their thinly veiled smiles they all secretly think this is a horrible idea." Their donations barely covered the party’s expenses, which included a tray of cubed cheeses, plastic cups, and two jugs of Carlo Rossi.
But in spite of the expectedly shallow pockets of his hippie friends, good funding has become one of the largest obstacles in his pursuit of worthless cinema. Over $50,000 in donations have already been received from artists such as Phillip Glass, Matthew Barney, and Chuck Close, none of whom have any desire to see their own art outclassed by a piece of truly unadulterated garbage. Ziweski, while thankful for the support, promises he will take every precaution necessary to make sure the money doesn’t get used in any way that will actually improve the final product.
Experimental film professor Ruth Hayes acted as Ziweski’s mentor during his time at Evergreen, but nevertheless feels that his sucky film project is destined to fail. "The only art that is unequivocally bad is the kind that fails to live up to its own promises," argues Hayes. "He promises a bad film, and if that’s what he gives us, then he will have paradoxically created a fabulous piece of art in spite of himself."
Ziweski confidently dismissed these arguments saying "No. It’s just going to suck."
When asked about a possible ending for such a horrible film, Ziweski said the following: "The ending is probably the area that I’ve given the least thought. After all, the idea is that most people will have left the theatre long before then."
"Normally my lack of focus and direction are a liability, but in this film I’m going to bring those failings to the forefront and make them work for me," continued Ziweski, musing about what is sure to be his pathetic and non-existent career. "I’m eager to see just how many doors will be closed to me as a result of this cultural travesty."
"I can just see the reviews now," added Ziweski, waving his hand in the air as if to spell out the words. "Piss Poor."
