FUNAFUTI, TUVALU– After years of whining and moaning about possible ecological devastation and flooding which would render their entire country uninhabitable, little Tuvalu finally got its moment in the sun when the international press threw the petulant brats a handful of crumbs of spotlight. Taking a break from covering cockamamie Tiktok challenges and X Ӕ A-12, a few press outlets penned back page fluff pieces no one cared to fully read, showering the South Pacific nation with feigned sympathy and worry. According to reports, the country of narcissistic pansies is crying wolf about rising sea levels which have made all groundwater sources undrinkable and threatens to cripple the economy of small island chain nation by submerging underwater; mere trifles compared to the problems of other countries most people have heard of.
While UN secretary-general claims climate change is “an existential threat to several island States,” real leader President Donald J. Trump responded, “Tuvalu? Never heard of her,” when asked about the island nation’s situation. The president later remarked that Tuvalu is “probably taking money from Big Science” and that “they’d have nothing to worry about if they let me build a golf club on one of their islands.” When asked to comment, Ben Shapiro, editor-in-chief of the Daily Wire, echoed similar replied that the Tuvaluans “should just sell their houses” and move. “It’s a nice country,” he continued, “I’m sure some development and real estate companies would love to tear down their communities and build condos and resorts.” When asked about the situation, Australia simply chuckled and replied “Those silly Polynesians, always telling tales. Can’t they see we’re the real climate change disaster hellscape?” Australia later added that Tuvalu and other Polynesian low-lying island states pleading for salvation are just “jealous because Nauru is way cooler and lets us violate human rights within their borders.”