"I've ridden this bus for fourteen years, and not once have I been told, 'move to the back of the bus'...damn honkies!" A dejected Eminem tries to cope with his whiteness.
Los Angeles -- Ultra-white rap star Eminem, famous for his misogynistic and extremely violent songs describing his crusade to destroy civilization, has given it all up to start playing rock music.
His startling announcement came in an impromptu conference with his agent, Johnny Buzzme. Eminem spoke for about an hour describing his ordeal and sudden "awakening" in which he came to realize it was time for him to choose another path as an entertainer of the masses.
"I woke up, and like looked in the mirror. And I said, 'Shit, I'm white...I can't rap worth a fuck!' So I called Johnny and told him and he hooked me up with some good base players and I learned to play the piano. I just can't pull it off any more, this simulation of blackness. I mean, I can't even keep rhythm anymore. I've really lost it all."
Thousands of Eminem's fans across the country, mainly whites without taste in music, are devastated by his announcement.
"I mean, what am I gonna listen to when I wanna slap my mother and rape my girlfriend?" asked Bill Micher, a Toledo gas station clerk.
African American musicians are totally receptive to Eminem's decision. Orange Cool-Whipp, one of the leading black rappers who made his debut the same year as Eminem, had little good to say about his former competitor.
The only way to enjoy M&M....a bucket o' reefer and some sorry-ass white dude on the tube pretending he's a black rap star. At least THESE guys are black inside!
"It's 'bout time that punk step down. What the hell he have to complain about? He ain't black, he ain't oppressed by the Man. Shit, he IS the Man, for Chrissake!"
Eminem will begin performing with his new alternative rock band, "The Whining Runts," as soon as they learn to write music. So far, they've been unable to create anything remotely resembling a melody, and harmony is a concept that could be years away.
