WASHINGTON - The Bush Administration today announced plans to create an American Foreign Legion loosely modeled on the French Foreign Legion.
The idea came out of a recent cabinet level brainstorming session on how to put the best spin on President Bush's vow to send enough troops to Iraq to "do the job" and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's assertion that we do not need to send in any more forces despite the military's near daily plea for additional help. Reportedly, the idea came from Treasury Secretary John Snow who, after not saying anything for a long period, blurted it out as a joke to get noticed. However, it was soon realized that an American Foreign Legion (AFL) would have several advantages including:
The American Foreign Legion plans to unleash a hefty recruitment drive. Yeah....
- Large supply of desperate people worldwide willing to fight for a chance at freedom (there's nothing that free's one soul more than death).
- An armed force operating outside of constitutional limits makes for kick-ass news reports.
- Why put American soldiers into harms way when we can get expendable foreigners to do the dirty work?
- Economical. It takes fifty AFL soldiers to equal the cost of one US soldier. These fantastic savings are achieved through elimination of medical supply overhead, no paid leave, no retirement, no funerals, and the likelyhood that the US will never have to pay these troops (we don't pay the dead...it's un-American).
"If the weasly little Frenchmen won't support the US, we'll hire our own foreigners. I like it!" thumped Vice President Cheney enthusiastically. Cheney was subsequently rushed to Walter Reed hospital for tranquilizer and nitroglycerin treatments.
Funding for AFL will come mostly from reallocation of foreign assistance funds designated for population control. "Rather than encouraging sex, condoms, abortion, and other deviant behaviors," the President stated, "we'll help control the population through traditional methods founded in our Judeo-Christian ethics. You know, kill thy enemy, that sort of thing."
