Utah...A young stud's wishes can come true in the Promised Land of All The Babes You Want. 'Course, everything except missionary sex with these whiskered beauties is illegal, so say goddbye to beer, liquor, coffee, Pepsi, swearing, oral sex, the internet, football, fast food, television, Sundays, and absolutely EVERYTHING that gives you even an ounce of personal pleasure.
Ricky Morgan of Kentucky decided last week he is moving to Utah in hopes to “get me a bunch of bitches.” Morgan, a self proclaimed “Ladies Man,” has always been fascinated by the idea of having several wives.
“As far back as I can remember I’ve thought, ‘Man, Utah knows what’s up.’ I don’t know why the rest of the country ain’t up with the times, you know? It’s kind of funny. You wouldn’t think Utah would be so wild and crazy…maybe California or something, but not Utah.”
Morgan plans to "find some bullshit job to hold me over 'til the ladies start bringing in the dough.” When asked what he plans on taking with him, Morgan said, without hesitation, “Condoms…a whole bunch of condoms. God knows the world ain’t ready for a bunch of Ricky Juniors running around, little sons of bitches would be chasin’ women before they could wipe their own asses."
His two best friends, Bill and Mike, gave him a bon-voyage his last night at a local bar. After several Jagermister shots, Ricky began pontificating on why he was leaving.
Marie Osmond - Mormon hottie. This is as good as it gets, and that's almost pretty damn good. I bet she's wearing some pretty sexy Maidenform unmentionables under those sequins!
“Guys, there’s a place where one guy can have three or four wives. It’s a place that understands that one woman don’t always cut it, a place that makes Heaven look like that shit-hole factory you work at. My friends…this place is Utah.”
A long silence fell over the table. “I just can’t imagine staying in Kentucky where the best I could ever hope for is one woman with really fat ankles," Ricky concluded. The threesome embraced in a long hug and slobbered several promises; promises to stay in touch, promises to “get more ass than a proctologist,” and to “wax off that handle before the Utah state line.”
Ricky jumped into his Camaro and, guided by the light of a blurry full moon, headed west for Utah and his multi-babe destiny.
