God that guy at table 6 is so sexually offensive I almost couldn's stand to fellate him in the parking lot.
"Hello, this is table six. I am the unit assigned to table six. In front of you are some menus. Please pick them up and look through the items listed. When ready state your order claim so that I might provide you with the items you order.
"Please speak clearly and slowly so that I can correctly assert what it is you are ordering. Please take your time. I shall stand here until you are ready", says 22 year old waitress Shelly Bidwell of TGI Fridays in Houston, in as monotone a voice she can muster completely devoid of any sexual inference or chance at a good tip.
Shelly, who is wearing at least three Friday's smocks when we catch up to her says that the law is the law and she is happy to oblige, but it isn't easy.
Manager Paul Heidegger concurs with Shelly but feels this has to be done, and is glad that TGI Fridays is leading the way in cracking down on sexually lewd waitressing, stating "...Anything we can do to really freaking annoy and alienate the customers more than we are now, I'm happy to be a part of."
The legislation all comes as result of the workings of Houston Democrat Representative Al Edwards who is best known for his colorful proposals to "chop off the fingers, hands and arms" of drug dealers. Though this law hasn't come to fruition just yet, Rep. Al Edwards has steadfastly maintained his support for it, seeing the law to eliminate drug dealer's limbs and replace them with prosthetics as the beginnings of manifesting a post-apocalyptic world in which drug dealers are cybernetic organisms. At which time Edwards along with his "Houston Law Bandits" will drive futuristic choppers and dune buggies in an effort to break the cybernetic drug dealer's iron grips over the remaining people (and a few good mutants) of post nuclear holocaust Houston and the surrounding area.
In the future drug dealers will be cybernetic organisms with prosthetic super-strength limbs
For now however Rep. Edwards has set his sights on correcting sexually lewd behavior in society. Having successfully eliminated all masturbatory thoughts in the entire state of Texas involving cheerleaders, he has now set his sights on Texas waitresses.
While Shelly is all too happy to oblige, for her own part she admits it isn't easy.
"See table 7 over there, the guy with his wife and two little girls?" she asks. "Total perve, and an artful one at that" she states. "He ordered our 'steak kabobs and he tells me that he loves our thick meaty steaks with the special sauce. Can't get enough of'em he says. The nerve, can you believe that? Oh but the lewdness doesn't end there. He also tells me he's never had bad 'service' in all the time he's come here and then when I ask him what sides does he want with his meal he tells me 'your special crinkle fries', and 'coleslaw.'" Shelly is at this briefly pauses, red with indignance. "Can you believe the nerve of this guy? Coleslaw! Of all the sides to order! He wants some nice moist tangy 'coleslaw'. Sick perve. Oh and then he isn't sure. Then he's thinking maybe he should get a twice baked potato instead. I tell you when he finished saying 'potato' I almost slapped him. So I tried to outsmart him."
Right before the meal arrived Shelly asked a male member of the wait staff to take over her table while she cooled down.
"So Dan walks over there right? And right before this guy's sick perverted meal is served to him he has the gall to ask Dan if he can get a glass of lemonade, in a tall long glass, oh and a 'new tube' of ketchup. 'This one's out' he says. Apparently the perve is willing to play both sides of the field. I can't stand it. I tell you he was so perverted I could almost feel myself choking to death in disgust when I was fellating him in the parking lot while his wife paid the bill."
While it appears no law is without its early hard fought implementation stages, cracking down on sexually lewd waitressing does seem to be proceeding, albeit slowly. Edwards is cited to use the newfound support with his most recent sexually suggestive bans to push for the post apocalyptic cybernetic drug dealers law. Should his political clout not be enough to carry it there are rumors on Texas's capitol hill suggesting he intends to tackle suggestive French maids next.
