Jerusalem – Israeli Health officials have announced today that the swine flu vaccine will not be made available to the general public as punishment for the more than 1,700 people who went against Hebrew law by contracting swine flu.
“For those who do not know it, swine means pig, and any contact with pigs is outlawed, period,” claimed Amah Fahn Atek, chief Rabbi and Secretary of Health.
Officials are still trying to figure out how the swine flu could have come into their country and are stopping short of blaming their political enemies of intentionally spreading the disease to Israeli nationals by refusing to cover their mouths when sneezing and coughing. Asked how they could tell whether or not the spread of the disease in Israel has been intentional, Fahn Atek replied “everyone is out to get us and this is yet another devious way to try and take us out.
But they will not get away with it,” he continued. “Our health department is working on an alternative vaccine that may be just as effective as the swine flu vaccine.”
The vaccine Fahn Atek is talking about has met with some success when used on elderly Jewish ladies. It has been named the “brisket” vaccine, and supposedly works by beefing up the body’s immune system. Interestingly, it works best when taken in combination with chicken soup and a small glass of Mogen David wine.
In a related news story, vegetarianism is expected to increase within the next few years due to recent outbreaks linked to the consumption of meat. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), we could see a “perfect storm” of contagious diseases as the avian flu (poultry), mad cow disease (beef), swine flu (pork) and salmonella (fish), are all expected to occur within the same time frame sometime within the next two years.
There has already been an increase in toilet sales in anticipation of the mega-outbreak. Some families are urged to turn extra home space into multiple stall bathrooms as family members get ready to experience the change over from meat to roughage. Not to be confused with commodes, the commodities market is expected to soar as foods such as corn, broccoli and soybeans make their way to the top of everyone’s grocery list.
