Due in part to the brevity of the video and the government’s wishes not to alarm doll families at home without more conclusive evidence, the doll’s identity at this point remains anonymous and is simply being referred to as “Joe Doll.” While it is not known whether either company has witnessed the video, neither Tyco nor Mattel have claimed the missing doll as their product.
While no conclusive evidence existed at the beginning of the search, forces were told to “expect the headless worst,” explained Lieutenant Joe Beckworth, company investigations and liaison officer for “Destro Skull,” the unit closest to Joe Doll’s last known whereabouts. “I just can’t believe all this talk about ‘just giving him a haircut’. I know the folks back home have a right to say it, but I guess I’ve just been here too long.” It was then that he was interrupted by calls of “Yo Joe!” from his fellow soldiers and disappeared briefly into a recently discovered Underground Evil Command Bunker complete with Night Assault Radar, batteries sold separately.
Emerging, he told us they had indeed found the headless remains of Joe Doll (among others) as well as a video believed to hold the final moments of Joe’s life.
The video clip ended with humiliation for the GI who is shown here with another unknown beheaded doll, believed to possibly be a reporter.
The video undeniably confirmed it as well as other gory and humiliating details. “Those bastards!” exclaimed Joe, hardly able to keep his composure as he watched the Taiwanese manufactured American soldier doll struggle to fight off its assailants in what proved to be the final throes of its life. Joe Doll kicked, powerfully head-butted, and even employed his new Triple Samurai Dark Knight Chop but to no avail. The moves just provided him with a few more seconds to live.
Lt. Joe Beckworth stood silent for a few moments after the video had ended, and then boldly avowed to avenge the beheading of “This real American hero.”
“It is the least I can do for a fellow soldier and warrior”, said Beckworth. “A soldier who even in death still maintained that solid never give up spirit. You can see it right there in his vice-like kung fu grip, still holding firm long after his head was removed.”
Subject is to be armed and extremely pink.
A handsome award has been offered and citizens of Iraq have been asked to give any information they may have towards tracking down the terrorists, who the Army is stating “may have changed their appearance in hopes of alluding capture.”
