Though still taboo, the cool-factor, overwhelming health benefits and crisp, delicious taste are once again undeniable. Doctors are expected to recommend smoking again soon.
In an unprecedented about-face, three health organizations that have long been vocal opponents of cigarette smoking announced today that smoking tobacco is a healthy alternative to the so-called electronic cigarette, or "e-cigarette." The US Lung Society, US Heart Society, and the Cancer Association joined with the newly-formed Free Tobacco 4 Kidz Kampaign in issuing the joint statement.
"We applaud the Food and Drug Administration for its announcement today about e-cigarettes. FDA’s preliminary findings show e-cigarettes contain trace amounts of carcinogens and a toxic chemical," the statement read. "Since tobacco is now regulated by the FDA, it is a sure bet that there are no hazardous substances in regular cigarettes."
"I understand why people use the nicotine replacement aids," said Yurso Vein, the regional tobacco policy director of the US Heart Society. "But I don't understand why people want to pretend that they're smoking. They can just light up the real thing and puff away!"
When asked about reports by thousands of citizens that their lung function and other health measures, such as blood pressure, improved while using e-cigarettes, Dr. Ima Bubblehead of the US Lung Society was skeptical.
"I don't see how that can be possible, since they do not have the FDA stamp of approval," she stated. "I'm sure it's just a big placebo effect." Dr. Bubblehead urged electronic cigarette users to immediately stop using the devices and go back to smoking tobacco cigarettes, which are proven effective for improving mood and memory, and relieving anxiety.
Dr. Rad Kemo of the US Cancer Association put to rest concerns about serious health problems caused by tobacco smoking. Dr. Kemo confided, "We were just kidding around. The regular tobacco cigarettes aren't all that bad."
The statement blasted e-cigarettes for being “marketed towards young people, who can purchase them in fruit flavors and online, without having to verify their ages.” Doug Hole of the Free Tobacco 4 Kidz Kampaign said that the best way to keep kids from being hooked on these "new fangled gadgets" is to make tobacco cigarettes available to children free of charge.
