CHARLOTTE, NC—Tired of the embarrassing sweat stains accumulating on his shirts and the looks of silent disgust he receives in the close confines of his building’s elevator, area resident Eric Walters actually called the Old Spice hotline 1-800-PROVE-IT and demanded the company buy him a stick of his old stuff.
“Ever since that fateful day at the CVS when I decided, against my better judgment, to buy a stick of Artic Force, I have been relentlessly gamy and the subject of ridicule amongst my co-workers and neighbors,” Eric reported at a distance. “I just let the frauds at Old Spice know, in no uncertain terms, that I want them to honor their commitment and buy me my old stuff.”
Due to the non-activity of their 1-800-PROVE-IT hotline, the multinational fragrance company downsized and outsourced the call center to a non-air conditioned building located in the heart of Calcutta, India. Aja Pruitt, the Old Spice representative who fielded the call, believed it to be a prank and regretfully did not record the conversation, a practice routinely employed to ensure customer satisfaction.
“I am disappointed I did not record the call because now my co-worker Vikas will never believe what a bitch Mr. Eric Walters is,” Pruitt recalled. “He kept on saying ‘I am tired of smelling, I am tired of smelling, nobody will talk to me, I want my old stuff.’ When I told him ‘you are preaching to the choir’ he started crying.”
Pruitt could not confirm whether his tears resulted from mere frustration or the overwhelmingly rancid odor which was surely emanating from his body and he did not guarantee Walters that Old Spice would provide sufficient restitution.
Even if Old Spice fails to compensate Walters, colleagues and neighbors have vowed to pool their money to buy any stick that will cease his current rancidness.
“Prior to his ill advised Aqua Force purchase, Eric was a marvel of olfactory delight.” claims co-worker Wendy Metzger. “It was his pleasant musky aroma that compensated for his gross ineptitude at work and superior attitude. He now has to stop pulling rank in two facets of his life.”
Even Walter’s landlord, Daniel Waterford, offered to temporarily fray the cost of his rent so he can afford a sufficient supply of adequate fragrances. “If something doesn’t happen soon, I fear the value of the property will plummet,” Waterford hastily said as Walters entered the building.
Walters still maintains that Old Spice failed to uphold their promise and has sought the guidance of a counselor to help him cope with his everyday reality of odor and wetness. “The therapy sessions have been helpful,” confided Walters. “I just wish they didn’t have to take place over the phone.”
