Cleanse Your Soul In 20 Minutes Or Less, Or Your Next Pennance Is Free
A shortage of Catholic priests, through resignatoin and incarceration, has caused a drop off in church attendance, causing drastic measures to be taken by church officials.
One leading Archbishop, insisting to remaining anonymous, sited different reasons for the shortage of priests in his congregation, saying it had nothing to do with the phenomenal number of child molestations blamed on the churches, but instead contributed it to reasons.
“The wages just aren’t there. It’s a dog eat dog collar world out there. Confessionals and church just don’t bring’em in like they used to. With today's pressures, it's hard for someone to come in to my confessionals feeling bad about saying the ‘F’ word or self-gratifying themselves. Frankly, most of my priests find it hypocritical to cast penance for the self-gratification thing. Every day people are straying from the church and going back to God. It is really eating into our plate, so to speak.”
An electronic penance machine, called the Priest-O-Tron, similar to those automatic gypsy fortune-telling machines found at certain fairs, has become the norm in many churches as of late.
The Archbishop then explained the workings of the new machine. “With the Priest-O-Tron, you put in your money, press the button that most closely resembles your sin, and a ticket comes out with your penance. It also tells you your weight." The church is now accepting all denominations, especially tens and twenties.
An automated telephone confessional was also installed for those who cant make the trip to church. We tried it out on our own and got this message: “Welcome to the confessional line. If you're a fornicator, please press 69. If you're a heretic press 666. If you're a masturbator, please wait, and keep your hands on the telephone, as further sinning will only delay your call."
"Uh, yeah, one bucket of extra-crispy Christian nuggets, a side of Satan's 'Slaw, a side salad with extra Holy Cross croutons, and one of those Water-Into-Wine drinks. To go."
Still, there's controversy over these automated changes, but controversy is nothing new to the Catholic church. A recent survey in New York of church members produced many skeptics, one of whom remarked, “I just don’t see the point in going to confessional at all. The only two women I'm ever with are my wife and daughter.” The man was immediately recognized as film-maker Woody Allen, who was given $20 worth of Priest-O-Tron tokens and urged to "stay away from schoolyards."
