WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a press conference Tuesday, Patricia Ireland, president of the National Organization for Women (NOW), announced an end to the war against feminism by stepping down as president and calling for a disbandment of the organization.
“We have fought a long, hard fight, but we must realize our limitations,” she said. “We're weaker, we cannot win, so let's get back in our places.”
Ireland then tore off her shirt and sprayed whipped cream on her breasts, instructing an overweight man wearing a novelty beer hat to “eat my creamy mounds.”
“Women, quit your scurry for power,” she continued, the portly whipped-cream lover still lapping at her chest. “I’ve found that life is so much better as an object.”
Fireworks exploded and techno beats began to pulsate throughout the conference room. Four cages of topless dancers were lowered from the ceiling as strobe lights began fulgurating. Other members of NOW at the table disrobed as well.
“I will now take questions,” Ireland said, dancing suggestively with a shirtless Asian man.
Ladies, you can still be a domineering bitch...just slap on some nylon's & high-heels, invite Madge over, and strut your stuff for the King of the Castle!
When asked why she would give up a seemingly successful battle against sexism, Ireland responded: “It’s better this way, babe. I don’t have to pretend to be a man any longer. I’m all woman,” she yelled, grabbing her breasts.
Someone then shouted, “What about NOW?”
“I’ve got an idea,” she said, pointing at the Asian man, now wearing nothing but a black g-string. “I want you to lick salt off my inner thigh, NOW!”
Margaritas in hand, the two disappeared behind the table. After several minutes of periodic moans and spanking noises, a completely naked and very sweaty Ireland stood up and commanded all the women to let loose and become subservient to men.
“Let men do all the work, ladies. Life is so much easier when you just have to cook and clean. It’s the way nature intended it anyway. This is for the guys, I love you all!”
She then began kissing and groping a large-breasted dancer. A male reporter crawled up to Ireland to snort cocaine off her stomach.
After the orgy subsided, Ireland concluded: “Sisters, this is a man’s world, so just get used to it. Thank you. Who wants brownies?”
