The hands seem suspiciously clean shaven, as once again, McCain is seen pandering to special interests.
In a shocking move on Tuesday, long time sufferer of osteoporosis and, incidentally, veteran tongue-flapper of the United States Senate, John McCain, earmarked fifty million dollars for state Big-Foot research in Arizona. This decision came immediately on the heels of a recent seven-day trip McCain took into the heart of the Casa Grande ruins, a bleak and disturbing sprawl of dust and nothingness just outside the thriving city of Coolidge.
Sources say McCain’s tour was a three-part objective, one: to escape the rigors of being a wealthy and impeccably unaccountable accomplice to these economic hard times, two: to sleazily pander to prospective constituents, and three: to shed his flaky serpent-like old man’s skin far from the critical gaze of MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann.
In a rather frank discussion from two years ago, now legendary Katie Couric asked McCain about the necessity of his covert getaways and the seeming unsightliness of shedding his skin, to which McCain, in all the Dick Cheneyesque shortness he could muster, cheekily retorted, “Snakes do it all the time. What’s the big deal?”
Just before 3:00 A.M., Mountain Standard Time, on March 12th, a night that would have him half inhabiting lambasted patches of a dried goat’s milk covering and half delivered into the vague semblance of elasticity, McCain awoke to the sound of deep resonating groans that made him spit out his adult pacifier. According to his most recent Twitter posting, and confirmed by his daily blog, the first thing McCain did was wheeze and check his colostomy bag.
After that he immediately honed in on all the brave and heroic characteristics he’d acquired on his sojourn in the infamous Hanoi Hilton and curled himself tightly into a ball of cowardly shit, tucked safely away in his rubber-sheeted sleeping bag. The noises continued for another five minutes before the tent started to shake. Unfortunately, from here the details get sketchy because, to quote McCain’s blog entry, “In times of great distress I can never resist the temptation of a nap.”
Apparently, McCain had fallen back to sleep, but when he awoke in the morning he felt the weight of three distinct impressions. The first two were familiar, one was the happy surprise to be alive that accompanies every new day for geriatrics, and another was the sting of an utterly botched presidential candidacy paid for with his every last scrap of dignity. These two sort of blended together and offset each other, clearing the way for McCain’s achingly sharp observational skills, which first required his prescription glasses and a magnifying glass.
He then quickly realized, to his dismay, that something had raided his portable storage unit for elderly medicines. His diabetic testing supplies along with his Allegra, Benadryl, Celebrex, Decadron, Elavil, Flomax, Gardasil, Humulin N, Ibuprofen, Januvia, Keppra, Levitra, Medrol, Nexium, Oxycontin, Paxil, Roxicodone, Singulair, Tylenol-Codeine, Ultracet, Valtrex, Wellbutrin, Xanax, and Zoloft were all missing. He knew immediately that his prostate would swell up like a puffer fish and that, worse, without his arthritic medication his phalanges would freeze-up like they were frost-bitten.
The hours rolled by interminably, and McCain by his own testament "started to hallucinate." Just when he was about to “give up all hope” a large ape-like creature stepped in through the specially-made -easy-to-unzip-for-ancient-people-tent-entrance. McCain says, “This creature didn’t take shit from no one, and it had an intelligence that easily surpassed my own.”
According to McCain, and confirmed by Coolidge Hospital, a Sasquatch lifted McCain onto one shoulder, his electric scooter onto the other, and carried him thirty miles across the mountain range, delivering him into the waiting arms of a doctor, whom the Sasquatch had called and informed beforehand. McCain spent one day in recovery and then marched himself back out to Washington to lobby on behalf of the Big-Foot.
The initial reactions, this morning, to McCain’s proposals were unfavorable to the say the least. His Republican coequals harangued him before a bloodthirsty crowd, demanding an explanation. This in turn prompted McCain’s now epic speech that will forever be remembered as the starting point for the reemergence of the Republican party.
At 11:00 A.M., he took the podium in front of the Senate and declared, “ Friends, what better time than now to emphasize America’s role in the sciences. We’ve got millions of kids studying to be scientists and whatnot with no real weighty issues to direct them towards. Do we really want to be left behind in these important places? While Europe is racing to solve the ecological crisis, what will our contribution be? We need to restore America’s pristine heritage. Heck, if we get enough of these kids with degrees together, and get ‘em out there in the woods we might be able to flesh all of those beasts out.
And if these creatures are as strong as I reckon, and they’re as smart as I reckon, the things we could do with them are endless! I don’t know, we could put ‘em on a plantation somewhere and have ‘em do all our dirty work. We could box ‘em up and ship ‘em off to other countries at a meaty price. In addition, as long as we’re sending all this money towards researching the Sasquatch, that’s another 50 million that won’t be going to support Obama’s heinous lift on the ban of stem cell research.
Another 50 million out of the hands of those greedy paraplegics who so desperately need to walk again! Another 50 million out of the hands of those greedy diabetics who don’t appreciate their first pancreas good enough! Let’s keep Washington clean, America and God Bless!”
The speech concluded with a mere running time of one minute, but it’s impact was made. In a gesture that seemed to summarize the momentousness of the day and to explain its implications to the world and the ever-uncomprehending Democrats, Republicans employed none other than young upstart amateur exorcism practitioner Bobby Jindal to provide a synopsis.
At 7:31, Eastern Time, he took the podium with all the energy of a stale corpse and stated succinctly, “Good evening and happy birthday. What you have witnessed tonight in no way overshadows my own story, which you can read at BobbycomestoAmerica.com, but for now I digress to pledge my full support personally and on behalf of the Republican party to John McCain and his war on the war on big-foot. I know what you’re all thinking, but I’m here to tell you that whatever that is, is wrong.
As Americans, there is no challenge we can’t overcome, and this includes a regrettable past of minimal government spending. We now urge every Republican congressman and woman to empty the treasury in the war on the war on Big-Foot. This in no way violates our party ideology. In fact, this even further goes to show that John Mccain is a maverick, a man before his time. A man who can't be grounded by a doctrinaire party outlook.
A man who flip-flops like John Kerry but is respected for it. The Republican party pays respects and acknowledges McCain’s uncanny ability to defy all expectations,”… There’s a brief pause and a wry look of secret enjoyment comes across Jindal’s face, “except the expectation
that he will croak soon.”
