In a revealing and colorful PowerPoint presentation to the annual Progressive Deconstructionist Convention, Maxwell Phlegmeir, Ph.D., has released disturbing new statistics charting the progress of “Everybody Gets Left Behind” and other Administration-sponsored programs.
In synopsis; apparently, western society is getting dumber, and now there is incontrovertible proof that we will, in thirty years, be nothing more than disparate bands of cliche-ridden near naked savages spouting vapid aphorisms and making outlandish claims against our enemies, which will include anyone with the slightest proclivity toward difference, whether it be shoe style, facial hair, food choices, or reality show preferences.
The scientific basis for this hypothesis is the mapping of the Intelligence Density Biome, which measures human potential and charts progress in basic human psychosocial awareness. Every human being has an inherent awareness level which relays standard information such as , what he is, where he is, where members of the opposite sex are, and how long it would take if he left Scranton at three pm Wednesday on a train traveling 50.78 miles per hour to reach North Bergen, 120.89 miles away, with one 10 minute stop in East Hell to let off 18 people, one 4 minute stop in Quaintsville to get coffee, with an outside temperature of 58 degrees. How long?... How long?
During the first canvass in July 2005, 90% of citizens polled could tell you not only their name, address, phone number, zip code, and where the beer was, but could recite from memory how many times they had been incarcerated, who let the dogs out, and the smallest and most insignificant detail of [ insert celebrity here ]’s latest escapade.
These first results, far from encouraging, were overtaken in November 2008 with the publication of Intelligence Density Biome Analysis II, a package of mixed results. In general, 90% of polled recipients were able to answer the first few questions, but were stumped by “Where’s Waldo?” and the backbreaker was “Why is David Boyne sitting at home in limbo, waiting for his possible execution?”
Boyne’s crime was to invent and market a GPS device that, using the voice of Sylvester Stallone, (a crime in itself) contained a piece of malicious software that directed the vehicle to stop at every liquor store on the programmed route.
Millions of the insidious devices had been sold, installed and programmed to activate simultaneously during the Monday morning commute of Dyngus Day*.
Bedlam ensued. The 911 dispatch centers were overwhelmed and nationwide gridlock was the result.
If the driver ignored the GPS instructions, Stallone’s mocking Ramboesque monotone would repeat, mile after mile, “Where’s the beer?” until out of frustration and rage, the driver would give up, pull into a crowded liquor store parking lot, and after an interminable wait, purchase a six pack from a rapidly depleting inventory. When the beer was placed on the front seat, the voice would stop.
This simple act of forcing librarians, hockey moms, financial advisors looking for work, and welders to buy beer was considered criminal extortion worthy of the death penalty. David Boyne was hauled before Judge Judy, granted bail, and now sat at home, perspiring with anxiety, waiting to see if Kent Throckmorton, his lawyer, could have the charges thrown out. Every few hours, however, Boyne’s phone would ring and the caller, Sylvester Stallone, would laugh for a full minute, a grotesque, unearthly, decidedly un-Rambolike giggle.
