(Photo credit unknown. If you're the owner, please contact us for appropriate credit.)
PARIS – French doctors have discovered that a woman here has been infected by a new strain of HIV that is believed to have originated with gorillas.
The new HIV strain has been traced back to Mongo, a 32-year old silverback gorilla from Cameroon, who briefly dated Monique Beauport, 38, a crepe maker from Paris.
Mlle. Beauport said she met Mongo through an on-line dating service and is considering a civil suit against that firm as it claimed to guarantee that all of its members were drug free, disease free, and had real jobs.
“I is ‘ery utset weeth dis ‘ating ‘ervice,” said Mlle. Beauport. “Everting about ‘em was a lie. Ve emailed each udder ‘or months an months. E said, ‘Om to ze ‘ungle. Oo be mi ‘Ane an I be Tarzan.’ Mon dieu! ‘Ow can I bes sos stoopids!”
Mlle. Beauport added that she also had to buy her own plane ticket, despite Mongo promising to send her one. “Et was alvays zomting. E lost ‘es check, ‘es momma got ‘ick, ‘es chat ‘eyed. Alvays zomting!” After arriving in Cameroon, Mlle. Beauport discovered that Mongo had been unemployed for several years, lived with his mom in a dilapidated tree house, and spent most of his days “stoned” on marijuana and playing video games.
“E vas alvays ‘igh on zee ‘eefer and playing ‘Adden 2006 ‘ootball ‘ames,” said Mlle. Beauport. The Parisian was forced to take on odd-jobs as a cocktail waitress and shoe-shiner to raise enough money to get back to her home town in France. She did, however, attempt to establish a relationship with the silverback in the hopes that he would fall in love with her, get a good paying job, and become the type of gorilla she would be proud to introduce to her friends and family.
“Er vas no ‘anging Mongo,” said Mlle. Beauport. “Ze sex, oui et vas ‘ery, ‘ery ‘ood. Boot wood ‘e air a condom? Non, non, non! ‘E said ‘I can’t ‘eel anyting!’ Now luke at what I gots!”
Gorilla experts such as Dian Fossey confirmed that condom use among gorillas, especially silverbacks, is very rare. “They feel they are not ‘real gorillas’ if they use a condom,” said the noted gorilla documenter. “And, have you ever tried to put a condom on a gorilla? It is not a pretty sight. Most standard condoms are way too small, and even the ‘Magnums’ rarely fit.”
Ms. Fossey added that there are organizations trying to educate gorillas on the importance of condoms for both birth control and to prevent sexually-transmitted diseases, but it is proving difficult to change their behavior. “Perhaps this new strain of HIV can be used as a ‘wake-up call’ to expand funding for getting the proper-sized condoms into their hands.”
In a related story, Trojan has announced a new break-through product called the King Kong condom. “We see the gorilla market to be the next area we will be rapidly expanding into,” said company spokesman Peter Richardson. “The new King Kong condom is basically two of our Magnums stitched together. We’ll be testing the product in Cameroon and Jamaica.”
