It may say I'm the man, but without being able to see an accurate depiciton of where my schlong is going, I don't feel like the man.
A media watchdog group denounced Take 2 Interactive, the maker of the hugely popular video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas." The group alleged Take 2 had grossly violated an implicit pledge to its loyal fan base by submitting a game with sub-par graphics displaying sex and violent content, and has subsequently filed synonymous lawsuits against Take 2 and Sony.
The lawsuits demand reparations in the form of a sequel capable of displaying graphically superior semen-soaked whores stained with several tones of blood -- preferably at the same time. According to the group's President David Walsh, "Only then will our children be protected from these graphically sub-par images of violent and sexual behavior."
Dr. Walsh has a PhD in psychology and is a father of three. His youngest son Daniel, 8, believed upon reaching the first of many sex scenes in "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" that he was actually poking the inside of a girl's leg with Mario's nose from the original Nintendo hit, "Super Mario Bros."
"No wonder our children are so screwed up", says Walsh. "When I walked in on my son playing the game and I saw this screen, I was in utter shock. First of all, he kept hammering the 'Up' button without reciprocally hitting the 'Down' button, so he was completely off rhythm. His in-game score -- and ability too -- was going nowhere."
Walsh continues, "My son was failing to pull back and give her the full length of his character's one pound Hershey chocolate bar. At first I worried my 8-year-old son might be retarded, but when I looked closer I realized it wasn't my son's fault at all. The guy's African one-eyed cobra looked like an 8 bit reject. It wasn't even the correct color!"
Recently, Robin Walker, a programmer at Take 2 addressed this issue candidly. He explains, "Our games are bound by the technological limitations of today's world. We are creating entertainment, not reality, here. It is up to the parent to explain to the child that when he clubs a hooker who overcharged across the head, that her head would not fly as far as our game depicts. Or that when mommy is fellating daddy he does not thrust so hard as to puncture the back of her neck. Its called 'Good Parenting.'"
Take 2 has issued an apology for poor physics and graphics but contends that certain factors inhibit developer's ability to depict sex and violence realistically. Terry Donovan, CEO of Rockstar Games, a subdivision of Take 2, responsible for creating "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" explains, "Because Sony's Playstation 2 is a dated system, our programmers had to "tone down" much of the particle effects in the game to ensure that it would run smoothly on the older Playstation 2 system. That includes flame throwers, explosions, blood splatters and money shots, just to name a few.
The other problem is the 3D modelers and programmers themselves. While there can be no excuse for poor modeling of a character's manhood as this is an entirely male dominated business, one can excuse the poor modeling of breasts and vaginae in-game as the people who make these games are computer programmers, and therefore most likely have never seen either."
Recently, Assemblyman Leland Yee of California joined the fight, blasting ESRB (The Entertainment Software Ratings Board). "Once again ESRB has failed our parents", stated Yee, "The inability of this game to depict realistically its emphasis on gang violence and sex is despicable. Where is the blind seething cultivated hatred of gang sub-culture? Where is getting to nail every single girl in the gang with your over-sized onyx pencil? Where is killing a man for wearing the wrong color bandanna and for being Puerto Rican? Where I ask you!? Where!?"
It has also been reported Walsh wants Take 2 to control the development of a new game realistically portraying both sex and violence [shown above] in reparations for "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas." Walsh states, "We'll start with the one thing the programmers of San Andreas got right. Notice the car-jacking gang-banging villain you play is black."
