Pretty couple or just a couple bitches, you decide.
REDWOOD CITY, CA—After months of anticipation and ongoing speculation within the gamer community, John Riccitiello, CEO of Electronic Arts, revealed that the Boston Terrier will appear on the cover of “Vick ’08,” its latest installment of the highly popular dog fighting video game franchise.
“Our Board of Directors and programming staff are pleased to announce that the Boston Terrier will adorn the front casing of the 2008 edition of Michael Vick Dog Fighting,” Riccitiello said. “We collectively believe this beautifully violent animal possesses both the tangible and intangible qualities necessary to succeed inside the ring and is poised to have another outstanding year . . . or in his case seven”
The producers of the game were so impressed with the overall skill of the Boston Terrier that it is rumored the animal will have a Jaw Strength rating of 100, a first in the history of the “Vick” series.
Although being chosen to appear on the “Vick” cover is a coveted distinction, it has recently developed a more dubious reputation. However, handlers of the Boston Terrier refused to lend credence to theory of the “Vick Jinx,” which surfaced after previous cover dogs failed to reproduce their prior successes with tragic consequences. The English Mastiff, which appeared on the jacket of the 2007 edition, was electrocuted while 2005 poster dog, the Akita Inu, was playfully led to the woods and shot.
“Those dogs were flash in the pans and didn’t have the commitment to remain champions,” claims Boston Terrier owner Jeremiah Henderson. “After their ‘Vick’ appearances, they hit the banquet circuit and made exclusive deals with Purina. Any good fighting dog worth its salt should be lean and continually starved to maintain its aggressiveness. Our Boston Terrier has not eaten or seen sunlight in days.”
Consequently, the Boston Terrier did not appear at the unveiling ceremony as he has spent the last two days on treadmill in a dark and camouflaged shack on Henderson’s 20 acre property.
In addition to revealing the subject of its cover, Riccitiello disclosed the new features that will appear in the latest generation of the game. Such innovative additions include:
Create-A-Ring: Allows the user to customize a new fighting area by choosing among various carpet designs, lighting fixtures, and wood types for the two-foot high enclosing border.
Kennel Franchise Mode: Players can now challenge established kennel franchises, such as Bad Newz, by creating their own stable of fighting dogs. This feature also allows users to develop their own pharmacy and create customized steroid cocktails to increase size and boost skill levels.
Training Camp Mode: Allows the user to put dogs through a series of pre-fight drills in order to increase their attribute levels. Such exercises include sparring with smaller animals to increase tenacity and attaching dogs to a Jenny, a merry-go-round device used to maximize endurance and heighten equilibrium
Despite his recent legal troubles, Vick is still an avid connoisseur of the gentrified sport and is proud to once again lend his name to this burgeoning video game enterprise.
“The release of this game could not have come on a better time,” Vick said. “With my mounting legal expenses, I am glad I opted for a back-end cut. Additionally, I like the hidden feature that allows the user to release their dogs on snitches”
EA announced that the game is scheduled to hit stores either next week or as soon as members of PETA stop laying in front of the delivery trucks.
