We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be. Even hot-rodding freaks like you, ya guzzler head!
"I am ZoJack, and I have certified this horoscopes for accuracy. Have no fear, ladies and some men, all will be safe."
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - Your daddy will say "Son, you are going to drive me to drinking" if you do not stop driving that hot-rod Lincoln.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - You'll realize that your gun rack looks terrible in your IROC, but to hell with what others think and to hell with the stars.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - This never ever applies to Sagittarius's. You guys totally gobble donkey balls. You and your Geo Metros.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - You'll briefly consider the virtue of an automatic transmission and a car that gets more than 8 miles to the gallon, but don't worry, you'll burn out a hundred feet of screaming rubber and come to your senses.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - Your friend will suggest "punch it dude" when mullet-man challenges you in his El Camino and you so totally will.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - Using the rule of "Heaviest Gets Right of Way" will land you in jail this week when you seize your long awaited opportunity to merge aggressively in to a pair of ten-speeding Mormon missionaries.
Aries: (March 21-April 19) - Your V8 rumbles like a Bayliner and your girl calls your hoopty wreck a boat. From now on, insist that everyone call you captain.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - Calling all rice burners "Jap-Crap" you'll race for the pink slip on Tuesday only to resume commuting on a Schwinn Wednesday.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - Despite what proponents say about the weight of a 472 Caddy big-block, you know you'll take the drags with a four-barrel if you don't break out… oh yeah, and you're a car geek.
