Midwest. After spending the majority of his life carefully managing his time, avoiding ‘high-stress’ professional careers, and utilizing every single ounce of his creative energy to construct a massive and profound science fiction novel that would have become successfully published and eventually turned into a timeless and legendary Hollywood film trilogy, Ohio resident Brad Johnston, 45, improperly removed a SanDisk USB Flash Drive from his laptop last Sunday evening and lost everything. According to several sources, colorful and enlightening words such as “Shit!”…“Oh My God!”… and “Fuck!” were only a few things that were hollered at the ceiling before Johnston entered a state of complete and total denial and began uttering random and incoherent statements such as “I’ll find the strength to move forward” and “It never pays to get upset over small things.““You can’t really control everything that happens in life,” Brad stated while ignoring the fact that the perfectly-crafted, three-part, 750-page masterpiece had vanished instantaneously due to his own inability to use Dropbox, an external drive, Hotmail, a second USB Flash Drive, or some other ‘easy-to-use,’ free fucking device that could have saved pretty much everything and led him down a path of ultimate glory. “I think it’s important to hold yourself together and move forward when facing inconvenience and adversity,” said the middle-aged, burned-out, part-time Wal-Mart Janitor, whose 20 years of extremely hard and ingenious work could have won him fame, millions of dollars, a celebrity status, and loads of hot women desperately craving nothing more than to sleep with him.“The best things are free, and I think that statement ultimately holds true,” he added before a poorly-constructed wooden leg on his writer’s desk collapsed, causing his laptop to carelessly slide off at a 45-degree angle and land directly into a dusty corner full of spiders and cobwebs. When pressed for more information on how he could have possibly fucked up his own future even worse than he just did, Johnston was unavailable for comment due to the fact that he had to answer a phone call from his boss informing him that he was fired.